From The Other Side

Last night I got a call from an old friend.  Well, not so much a friend, as my very first mentor.  The conversation was rusty at first and a touch awkward.  That tends to happen when you used to be on the same side of the fence and then suddenly you find yourself trying to see each other across a distance that is new…and unexpected.

But then we began to talk and laugh about the days when I was young – just 15 – and first propelled my self by sheer will into his Sunday School class.  We remembered the pranks my partner-in-crime and I used to concoct, the endless rolls of toilet paper strewn across his lawn, the exquisite joy of being young and still naïve enough to be molded and shaped.

He talked about how he had prepared us for that first step out of the nest.  And it’s true, he gave me that strength to stand, even against him, and make a go of what I dreamed for myself.  I can’t believe that it’s been 10 years.  Seriously, it seems like yesterday.  Except, of course, for the fact that everything is different now. 

See, the phone call wasn’t random.  We bumped into each other on Sunday, but save for a smile and wave, kept to ourselves.  And so when he called, it was to say that he had given me the tools to begin my life journey…but that now I was writing a new chapter.  And I laughed and said that sometimes I felt like I had turned the page one night while I was sleeping and woke up to find blank pages stretching endlessly before me.  But that was ok because there was plenty of ink in me to fill them up.

I told him that I really was ok, doing well on my quest for meaning, purpose, and happiness – that I was finding God for myself, all over again.  And I am all those things, content in this new life, writing it out with each choice I make – not made for me, not expected, not mandatory or arbitrary.

My Whirlwind Iowa Adventure

So, I’m back from a whirlwind trip that left me completely ready for Val and Jase to move back home.  I miss them!

Friday

Up at 1:30 and at the airport at 3:30  Hopped on the first plane at 6 and landed in Cedar Rapids at 10:30. 

Can I just pause for a second and say that the Cincinnati Airport is HUGE???  I thought I’d get lost or miss my flight or something stupid, but everything went well.

Jase picked me up and we went to the Blue Strawberry for coffee before picking up Val and heading to the apartment to drop off my stuff…the to Iowa City where we had CREPES, yummy!  From a street vendor no less : )   We spent a while down town exploring and going to lots of AWESOME ; ) shops, and then Jesse met us for dinner at the Hu Hot.  Again, yummy in the tummy.  It’s pretty much like a Mongolian Barbeque .

And my favorite place of all…Bochner’s.  The chocolates are just…beautiful!  And they have the most interesting flavors – lavender, gingerbread, razzmatazz.  You’ll probably all be getting them for Christmas, lol.

We shopped at the mall for a while and I didn’t find anything I wanted to bring home except for the cutie security guard at Target, lol.  (Yeah I know – a target at the mall…weird!)  Then home around 9, where Jase started throwing pillows at me because I was falling asleep in the floor…so I went to bed.

Saturday

Jase had to work so me and Val pretty much had the place to ourselves.  We ate breakfast – my famous French toast – and then went to get our nails done, which turned out to be an experience, lol.

First the girl doing Val’s pedicure paints like HALF her toe white. Then they’re laughing and ask if we’re friends and we’re like “yeah, for a long time” and they start giggling again going “big feet, little feet” and pointing.  So the girl doing my pedicure is wearing a super short skirt and she just flops down on the stool, totally flashing me her red panties…and I look over at Val and yeah, she definitely saw too and we’re trying not to die laughing.

So, time for our manicures.  The girl does my nails…and then all of a sudden she’s under the table painting my toes again. She fixed Val’s nails…but only 2 of them so that her big toe and second toe on each foot look normal but the other 3 on each side still have thick white stripes. 

God bless my nail salon here for being so great!

We shopped some more and I got a Tommy shirt and a black and white tank to wear with my red shoes and purse.  Then we picked up groceries so we could cook dinner for Jase, picked him up, and spent the night eating, laughing, talking and watching movies. 

“Hey mamie, you sexy…Hey mamie, you sexy..” – lyrics from The Fast and The Furious, Tokyo Drift

hahahaha!

Sunday

Church.  I wore my red shoes and red purse…so pretty!  This guy named Jamie preached and I just loved it.  It was called “What’s Your Next Step?” and he talked about how Peter was already walking on the water when he lost his faith and began to sink.  See, he had the faith to step out, but not to walk on.  And he talked about not being afraid to take that next step, to move into the ministry you’re called to.  Just really, really good.  I cried a lot.

Home for naps, then picked Jase up.  We went with Jases’s mom to see Shrek 3 and it was so cute.  My favorite line:

“Well, that’s easy for YOU to say!  You’re not an evil enchanted tree, now ARE you???”

lol….yeah, laughing again : )

Monday

Picnic!  We went to Craterville lake and had a yummy picnic with pita pockets and sushi and brownies and macaroons and Italian soda.

Then off to the outlet malls where I got Marie 2 pairs of pajamas and Burlan a shirt at  Aeropostale.  We looked for shoes for me, but didn’t find any.  Then I got the girls some stuff at Claire’s and Mom, Dad, and Lynn some chocolates from Rocky Mountain since Bochner’s was closed.

At about 7 we ended up at Cold Stone Creamery for my first time.  It was yummy!  (I know what you’re thinking Winifred – “But it’s lactose!” – lol.)

Then we came home and Val played with my hair for a while and I took the stuff off my nails because it was bubbly (I left the toes on, yay!).  We started watching Déjà vu with Denzel, and then Jesse came over when he got back from Chicago. 

Unfortunately,  Val and I fell asleep and I didn’t start packing till almost midnight.  Ugh!

Tuesday

At the airport at 6:30 and back in Cincinnati for a 3 1/2 hour layover.  I grabbed a sandwich, read a book and talked to Tim and Marie.

Marie picked me up in Birmingham and I was home by 4…and I made Mom and Marie watch The Fast and The Furious, Tokyo Drift, lol.

A good trip, but I’m glad to be home.  I missed my babies.  Chaucer and Max may have to go with me next time, lol.

Kerflummoxed

I’m kerflummoxed.  That is, baffled, bewildered, confused.

I’m stuck in this dilemma because I really and truly have no idea who to trust.  I feel like it’s almost safer not to trust anyone, to just look out for myself.  But that seems like such a sad way to live…and I’ve been there before.

Maybe that’s just it.  Maybe the truth in this case is something sad – that people, even good people, even the people who love you, will stop being enough at some point.  Maybe it’s just the nature of humanity.

But on the other hand, I refuse to believe that we HAVE to fail.  I know that we all do, but it’s not because we HAVE to.  It’s because somewhere along the way we make a bad choice, and all the choices after are built on that one wrong choice until eventually, the foundation wobbles, crumbles, and everything on top – including relations – topples then crashes.

The only real hope any of us have is that whether we are the one who made the mistake, or whether we are caught in the crush, there is a safety net.  And when you can’t trust in people or situations, you CAN trust that the net is there, waiting to catch you.

That’s the beautiful thing about God’s unfailing mercy and forgiveness.  When you should be shattered,  it keeps you from being destroyed.

And if you are broken, it is only so that you can be put back together.

My Amazing Dad

Have I mentioned lately that my Dad is, quite frankly, amazing?

I can't think of one single person on the face of the planet who can question his character or integrity.  And I love that about him.  Because when I am just so confused, or flipping out on one of those "yeah I'm a girl and you should just leave me alone" emotional roller coasters, I know that he's still dear old reliable Dad – and when I can't trust my own judgment, I can trust his.  Granted, I don’t always understand it…but I trust it. 

I think, it’s probably because my Dad is the most selfless person I know.  He is the best example of a truly Christ-like person I can think of.  No ulterior motives or hidden agendas, no bells or whistles – just quietly doing what’s right, even when it hurts him to do it.

I, on the other hand, am pretty much just a lunatic.  I have all these conflicting thoughts and feelings.  I make all these bad choices.  No matter how many times Albert says “NO BUMS!!!”, I always seem to find another one to bring home – cause I’m convinced all they need is a little love to make them right again – HA!  I can complicate the simplest choices without even meaning to or trying.  My emotions are just so incredibly present and sometimes I can’t see past them.  I’m naïve and gullible in some ways and far too jaded in others. See?  A lunatic.

But from what I hear, I’m an awful lot like my Dad – minus the emotional idiosyncrasies, of course – but I blame that on the estrogen.  Seems he’s always been a people collector, too – always trying to help somebody, always giving all the wrong people a chance – and getting ripped in the process.  And then doing it again with someone else.   There are people who would (and do) say that’s stupid.  I’ve been known to get exasperated by it a few times myself – until I collect my next bum, that is.

I think though – at least in my Dad, cause they’re probably right about me! – it’s not stupidity.  It’s a mark of just how strong his character is.  He believes that everyone has some good in them and that sometimes, all they need is somebody to take a chance on that little bit of good for it to win out.  And sometimes he’s wrong.  But when he’s right, someone’s life is changed in a way they’ll never forget, no matter what happens in the future.

I have high hopes that I’ll eventually turn out like my Dad. Sure, I’m nuts.  But a lot of people have put a lot of faith in me and taken a lot of chances that I’ll turn out all right in the end.  And deep down, all I really want to do is what’s right.  I really just want to serve God in the best way I can – even if it means hard choices and even harder sacrifices.  I want to be a good sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend – and maybe someday, a good wife and mother. 

I’m just working out some kinks along the way.

Sending love today and a dose of crazy from the peanut gallery,

Difficult But Doable

Sunday night I went in and I was sitting there before church and I was kind of crying – not because I was upset, but because I hadn’t really realized just how much I’ve changed in terms of the way I see God and the church through this whole process.  It’s like I told Dad last week when he asked me if I was ok, “It’s not that I’m not ok.  It’s that I knew situations and circumstances were changing me…but I didn’t realize just how much.  And I just don’t feel like myself anymore.”    I’m kind of jaded, now, you know? 

I went to church 3 times in 3 months.  Can you believe that?  Me, who wouldn’t even go to Talladega for the weekend because I refused to miss a single Saturday night prayer meeting.  And I cried every Sunday and every Wednesday – before every service.  And sometimes I would go and sit in the parking lot at PLC when I knew no one was there, and I would just cry – and ask how it is that when you spend years – literally, years – on your face, trusting God that everthing is going to be ok, showing up early, going on outreach, giving everything you’ve got – that in the end, you can’t find Him at all.

And then my Dad made me listen to “Coming Out of the Cave” by jeff Arnold.  And even though I couldn’t find God, and I couldn’t feel Him, I started praying for the person who had so desperately hurt me.  And would you believe, that’s when he apologized.  A real and true apology.  And he accepted the responsibility for what happened.  And so I came back.  And I forgive him because what can we really ever expect from someone except a sincere apology?  Nothing they do is going to change what happened, and nothing else they say is going to undo the past.  At least an apology allows you to heal, right?

But since I’ve been back – 3 weeks – I’ve been so overwhlmed.  I’m trying to find a new place in what used to be my home.  And I’m trying to put all of  that behind me and move forward.  And it’s like I’m trying to take giant steps in quicksand. I’m so afraid that if I am broken, that it’s going to expose my weakness.  And I’m going to be hurt all over again.  So I’ve been forcing myself to be detached – participate in service without my heart being involved, you know?  Sort of a shot of spiritual, emotional Novocaine to get me through the service without feeling anything.  Turns out, that can hurt you pretty bad, too.

So, that’s where I am Sunday night.   And I’m praying and I tell God, “Lord, I’ve been searching for you for months and I haven’t been able to feel you or know that you’re there.  I come to your house, and I can’t even find you here.  I’ve been walking in the same direction on faith because it’s the only thing I know how to do…and if you’re really not done with me, and if I’m in your will by being back here, then you’re going to have to show me.  And if you show me,  I promise I’ll give up being afraid to trust you.  I’ll let go of being afraid I’m going to be hurt again.  I’ll lay down anything or everything, whichever you say.  And I’ll do whatever it is that you ask me to do.”  

Church started, and before they’d even sung the first note, I was overwhelmed again.  For the first time in forever, I didn’t have to look for God because He found me.  It was like he walked down the aisle, sat right next to me, and just wrapped his arms around me. Like He knew that’s where I’d end up all along – which of course, He did.  I sat there and bawled and bawled and bawled and I literally had to bite my lips shut until they were bleeding because of the awesome presence of God that was just washing over me.  Waves, just pouring from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet – over and over and over.  I couldn’t even stand up because I was shaking so hard.  And I prayed like I haven’t been able to pray in months, if that makes any sense.  And when I was finally done, I was sure, without any doubts, that not only was I in the will of God regardless of whether other people can understand it or not – He really isn’t done with me yet.  But He wanted all of me – not just the easy parts, not just the little things I was ok with letting go of – I had to trust Him enough to give Him the parts that scare me the most.

I’m not sure what He’ll make of it, but it’s going to be ok.  I mean, it’s still hard and I know it will be for a while.  I still have to figure out where my new place is going to be – and there is a sacrfice that is weighing heavy on my heart.  But it only feels impossible when you’re not sure about it.  When you KNOW it into the core of your soul that you’re where you need to be, what was impossible becomes difficult, but doable.

It's like Dad told me when I said I didn't feel like me anymore, "Just as far as you can go in one direction, you can come back again.  One day at a time.  And one day you realize you're not back to where you started from.  You're miles ahead.  One day at a time."